


Before They Turned into Beasts

by MorikoLaurant



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, Happy Birthday Eren!, Manga Spoilers, Melancholy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 20:17:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18972253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorikoLaurant/pseuds/MorikoLaurant
Summary: This is a story about the two Jägers who never had the chance to talk to each other.Before Dina Fritz came to meet the Eldian Restorationists, she had a short conversation with somebody.





	Before They Turned into Beasts

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [［2019艾诞贺文］在成为野兽以前](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18285785) by [MorikoLaurant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorikoLaurant/pseuds/MorikoLaurant). 



> This is one of my translating practices. The original work 在成为野兽以前 is also my own.  
> I'm not a native English speaker so pls forgive possible weird expressions ;)))
> 
> Below is the original note:
> 
> A birthday gift for Eren Jäger on 30/03/2019.  
> Imagination based on manga content. Not focused on romantic relationships.  
> A little bitter as a story I guess.

1.

 

    Eren Kruger realised that somebody was watching him. From some time of the past or in the future, there is a man watching him.

 

      It was no longer rare to receive memories and beliefs from the Path. But for most of the time they were broken, dead pieces, hard to decipher no matter how hard one tried. The bloodline of a titan had been flowing for thousands of years. Inheritors, generations after generations, came and went. Distant voices couldn’t recall any echo when it reached this side of the shore.

      Yet today was different. Everything else was as usual. No other people around him, no sound, noactual proof of the gaze. Kruger found it hard to describe how it felt, maybe a little similar with it when someone gazed you from behind, when somehow you could tell the existence of the gaze. He knew, that a man was overlooking him high from the Path. But the connection was unequal. While that man might be able to look into Kruger throughly, Kruger, however, could tell nothing more than the existence of his counterpart.

       _Is it the Founding?_ He tried to think deep in his mind, assuming it could serve as a way to ask.

      That someone should have seen it. But no response.

      Kruger walked to the window, looking out from the building of Maley Sheriff's Department. Dusk. The sun in its own blood coagulated[1], carving a shape of bright colour to those dim, cracking houses in Reberio. Men lowered their heads down, and women held their scarves tight, crossing the streets as nervous as mice, then disappeared rapidly into the shadow of the walls. Only children were running along the streets freely. The children. They knew nothing yet. The sun in its own blood coagulated.

      Kruger and the watcher from the Path overlooked the scenery together. After the last slice of weak sunlight dissolved into the other side of the wall, Kruger heard the response. “Heard” couldn't bethe accurate wording. A piece of information showed itself up straight in his mind.

       _Can you do me a favour?_

      Asked the watcher.

 

2.

 

      Dina Fritz closed the door of the basement. Dina Fritz seemed helpless. Kruger knew her. She was the only treasure for the Revolutionists that hadn’t been token away by Maley: a true heir of King Fritz. But now she looked nothing similar to a royal member. She was just like any Eldian woman in Reberio district. Plain blouses and dress, a scarf covering her blonde hair, an expression of everlasting alarm and fear.

      According to their plan, tomorrow Kruger would sent her to contact the Restorationists. Was it the reason that the watcher came?

      Kruger couldn’t help thinking that way. But for a fair period of time the watcher just borrowed his eyes to stare at Dina, as if he had totally no interest in "the only treasure of the Revolutionists” or “a true heir of King Fritz”, as if he was just staring at Dina as Dina. No emotion or thought passed down from the Path, so Kruger couldn’t tell what the watcher was thinking about.

      “…Hello?” spoke Dina very carefully. Her voice was soft, but not very flustered. Maybe she wasn’t as weak as she appeared to be. “Are you…?”

      Kruger introduced himself as a link-man for the Restorationists. He needn’t risk to reveal his true identity as the Owl to Dina, since the watcher only wanted to “have a look at Dina Fritz and ask her something”. Still there was no new information from the Path. The watcher remained silent.

      So Kruger decided to mend his own business. “You should have known, we will take you to meet all the other comrades tomorrow.”

      Dina nodded.

      “You know your duty, right?”

      “Yes…I shall tell them the history of my family, my clan of the Fritz family…About the Founding titan, about the king who refused to fight…”

      “You must have known how to narrate.”

      “Yes. Do you want to check?”

      The watcher responded to this. New information arrived. _No._

      So said Kruger, “No.”

      New sentence. Quite surprising in its content: _You don’t look like a royal._

      There was still no implications of emotion accompanying, so Kruger couldn’t decide whether this utterance contained doubts. He repeated the sentence and reduced any imply of insult into the minimum. Surprisingly, Dina smiled at him. A bitter, but natural smile.

      “Other comrades who contacted me said something like this before…I think I indeed have nothing in common with those princesses or duchesses in story books. You must have known that I’m now working as a worker in a textile mill in Reberio…”

_Where were you before that? What were you doing?_

      A lonely lamp on the table silently gave lights. There was a crack on the glass lampshade, and the fire was shaking. Also shaking was Dina’s shadow on the wall.

     “Well, I didn’t know about my real family until my teen. My Revolutionist parents sent me to a friend of theirs in order to protect me. You know, to protect the last heir of the king…This friend raised me as his own daughter…I knew nothing even when my parents got killed by Maleyans. My childhood was nothing different than any low status Eldian girl, just washing and cleaning stuff everyday. My step-father told me everything when he was about to die. He gave me the letters from my real father, books and records about the history of the royal family. Only until then do I…”

       _So it is a mission assigned to you to contact the Restorationists._

      “No…not really. I can see us Eldians, I mean everyone around me, and myself included, living in a miserable situation. I’m sad that we have to endure this. If my blood can help to change anything, I’d love to do. No one forced me. It’s only… I know I have no ability to lead others…You see, I can’t be a good, firm leader. But if there is one, I’ll use all I have to assist him.”

      The watcher fell into silence for a short period of time. Then a new piece of information.

_If Maleyans find these, they will send you to the Paradise. Your family, your beloved ones. All of you will be doomed._

      Dina smiled again. This time a lot more sadness and much less natural. When she spoke, her voice was more of bitterness than nervousness.

      “You may not know…There is the other worker I acquainted with in the textile mill. One day she left Reberio for some affairs. On her way back, the pin of her armband was broken, and the armband fell off, but she didn’t notice. Then she was stopped by the authority. I didn’t see her the next day. I heard these from other people. Of course, she had been sent to Paradise then…You see, it is the world we Eldians live in…You have an accidental damage on your armband, then go to Paradise; You scheme a revolution against Maley, then go to Paradise just as well. I think it’s better for me to make a bigger, intended mistake than mere armband matters. It’s all the same after all. As for families…” her smile turned into a sadder one, “I have none left. Will I have more in the future? I dare not to make wild wishes…”

      Again the watcher fell into silence for a while. Dina tried hard to keep a casual smile.

_What I mean by “go to the Paradise” is that you’ll be turned into a mindless titan. Your soul will be trapped in an eternal nightmare from which no one has the possibility to save you. Do you still willing to try? Even if it is the possible result?_

      Dina forced herself to maintain the smile without speaking anything. She held tight her dress but couldn’t stop her hand from shaking. Anyone could tell she was actually utterly terrified. Yet in front of Kruger, and also in front of the other man she couldn't notice, she nodded heavily.

_…OK. Then…_

      Kruger had a feeling, as if all these was mere preparation for the next question. The reason why the watcher found him from the Path, the reason why he had to talk to Dina Fritz, had rare relation to the previous questions. There was only one question the watcher intended to ask.

_Do you hate the people inside the walls?_

      Dina was surprised. She replied without thinking, “Of course not. Why should I hate my own people?”

      It took a lot more time for the watcher to react this time. And more than mere silence—Kruger widened his eyes a little, because he felt, for the first time, the man hiding behind him overlooking them from the Path was sending emotions. Maybe it was not intended. Maybe he just couldn’t control it. A complex emotion, as if you opened your mouth to ask something but halted halfway; you tried again but halted again. As if a giant olive stuck in your throat. As if you held your breath until you are stifled. The watcher might be trembling, as if he was enduring huge agony, or a sudden impulse.

      At last a new order came. Kruger followed it as before.

_If, I mean if, you will have to harm the people inside walls once you choose this path. Not the soldiers, but…an ordinary mother…someone like that. Will you do it?_

      Dina was totally confused. She frowned a little. She seemed so skinny, shivering a little in the cold basement.

      “I don’t understand. They are Eldians…We do all the things for those people you describe…”

 _I mean, IF._ The watcher interrupted.

      “I mean, if.” said Kruger.

      “Is this a test on my loyalty?” Dina rose her head and asked.

 _I want you to be perfectly honest._ Said the watcher.

      Dina looked at Kruger, not sure if this equaled a “yes”.

      “I—” Dina started to speak. A “yes” seemingly waited inside her throat. But now it became her who had to endure a curious choke. It suddenly became extremely difficult to speak out that word. She seemed to want to cough. She held her scarf even tighter. If the question is about whether she “wants” to do it, not whether she “will” do it, then it would be incredibly easy to produce an answer. But after all, “want” and “will” were different in their essences. Dina closed her mouth and opened again, prepared to try again for that simple answer. She seemed to be pushing herself. Hurry up, hurry, it’s only a rite, as Maleyans did. They would ask every Eldians to put their hands on the Constitution of Maley and took a oath to devote everything to Maley the mercy motherland in order to pay the debt of their evil race. In that rite she had produced an instant yes without any thinking. Now it’s only the yesterday repeating. Hurry up already and answer!

      But she didn’t.

      She didn’t say anything. In the dim lamp light stood Dina, lowering her head. Her lips was trembling without making any sound. She had to closed it tightly because once she spoke, uncontrollable choke in her throat would bring about tears. To Kruger it seemed she was going through an interrogation. He had seen enough cases. Sometimes they spared the torture tools and applied techniques of language, of subtle pressure. Dina seemed to being pressed by words. But it’s still different. You didn’t suffer the same pain when you interrogate people, otherwise you would sooner or later break down together with them. And Kruger could tell, the watcher was suffering now.

      But he didn’t break down. When he finally ended the silence, he didn’t do it because of pain.

 _I get it._ Said the watcher. Kruger didn’t find him released. His thought was no longer calm as that before, and no longer hesitated as that just now, neither was he unsatisfied or upset. In fact, the man who gazed them from the distant side of the shore seemed to have nothing left other than tiredness. The tiredness was so heavy that Kruger couldn’t fully comprehend. The tiredness was deep and distant, like the sky after a thunderstorm, like the abyss of stars in universe.

_You have been totally different from people like me. You are much better, Dina. …I’ve…done with my questions…You can go now. Tomorrow you’ll be meeting other comrades._

      Enough? thought Kruger.

 _Enough._ The watcher replied.

 

3.

 

      The watcher stopped delivering his will, but still lingered there. Late at the night, Kruger walked along the streets alone. The existence of the watcher was still clear, as if he was a silent co-walker, following Kruger, walking across a desert under the starry sky.

      Kruger glanced at his side. Of course, no one was there.

      He returned to the high building of the Sheriff's Department. Looking out from the window, Reberio at this time was like a long dead town. Nearly all the windows were dim, and the few revealing spots of light indicated nothing more than a few people who got waken up by nightmares and tried to find relief in some light. The sky, however, was incredibly beautiful. So beautiful that you could taste a little terrified when gazing at it, for it resembled the decorations of some altar. Under the stars even those old grey buildings betrayed some kind of geometrical harmony due to their uniformed style. Tonight there was no sight of the moon, so the stars were bright. Stars were flowing in a mazarine river, just like the eyes gazing at them from the Path. When a beam of starlight encountered them, the star giving the light had already died out. They were born and died alone. Surrounded by stars, they were never away from home[2].

      Kruger stared at everything. The watcher stared at them with him. Later, the watcher began to speak. He still betrayed intense tiredness.

       _I wasn't trying to change anything, so I hope you won't try to figure out the meaning of all these._

      Kruger lighted a cigarette. A red spot blinked once, like a red dwarf bursting and then died out.

       _I know, but it’s hard to ignore._ Kruger thought. Kruger said to the watcher. He let go the smoke, like letting go a piece of stardust cloud. _Am I wrong? Everything I did till now, is it wrong?_ He said to the watcher. Actually he didn’t mean to discuss, but this just showed how unequal their connection was. He couldn’t help himself thinking, thus equaling saying it out to the watcher. _About the last descendant of Fritz, about Griesha Jäger, about the Restorationists. Am I wrong. I spent all my life weaving stuff, and do they mean anything after all? All I’ve weaved was like a spider web that can be easily devastated by a simple stab of a gunstock._

      The groups of stars were like a spider web with dews. The watcher didn’t respond to him, but neither had he gone. Kruger finished his cigarette.

       _There is an ancient story. A very famous one._ Said the watcher suddenly.

      _A king of a country received a prophesy from God, that his son would kill him and married his wife[3]. So he abandoned the boy somewhere in the countryside. The king of a nearby country found him and raised him as his own child. The boy grew up and heard about the prophesy. Terrifying about his future, he decided to leave his “homeland” for somewhere else._

      The watcher stopped here because Kruger had already known what story he was referring to. Famous indeed. The youth killed an old in a quarrel without knowing him being his real father. The hero was supported to be a new king and married a beautiful queen without knowing her being his real mother.

      So Kruger understood that it’s useless to interpret the meaning. _There’s another thing._ Kruger kept thinking. _Dina Fritz…What is her to you? Do you hate her?_

      The watcher didn’t answer soon, at least not directly. Then, slowly, Kruger could again capture pieces of the emotions from the other man.

      But it just made the things more complex. The watcher was tired, like a man who had cried until his eyes blind, screamed until his throat mute; a man whose breath was stifled and whose heart was cut out. Then the pain sank. The watcher showed a silent, tearless tiredness, like a lake revealed the things sunken at the bottom when all the water disappeared. Kruger nearly stumbled because of the weight of the feeling. He wanted another cigarette.

      Maybe this was also something unconsciously betrayed, for the watcher then answered Kruger by an utterance. It was his last words to Kruger. After that, Kruger’s feeling of being gazed disappeared, and in the rest of his life he had never received any gaze from the Path.

      _I could no longer shed tears anymore. Said the watcher._

 

4.

 

      The sun in its own blood coagulated. With a peaceful, blissed smile walked the titan towards the ruins of a house. With her arms stretching out a woman screamed her last words to her boy. The memory of her, wearing an apron, smiling with love, was still so vivid that hurt.

      —Yet the titan with the blissed smile used to experience the same thing. Before she turned into a beast, she used to bend down and whisper to someone in her apron. She used to stared at some persons, smiling with lakes of love in her eyes. —

      The sun in its own blood coagulated. The titan cupped the body of the woman as holding a toy. The screaming of the boy scattered blood out into sky. The woman used her last drop of strength to struggle, to hit the titan’s finger.

      —Yet the titan with the blissed smile used to experience the same thing. Before she turned into a beast, she used to struggle with a teary smile under the horror of her incoming nightmare. She used to fight against the eternal chaos occupying her mind. —

      Before he turned into the watcher, the boy shed out his tears in anguish and agony. He cried until he fainted.

 

      The sun in its own blood coagulated. The titan chewed up the middle-aged blond soldier, and chewed up all the courage gathered by this once-being-a-coward man. An unknown relative of the titan burst into crazy laughter of despair.

      The sun in its own blood coagulated. The chaos of consciousness of the titan had no conception of pain, which was a true bless. It could still smile in bliss when other titans torn it apart, when the dark hatred of the boy gave it a second death.

      Before he turned into the watcher, the boy had lost all the happiness of revenge. Feeling the powerlessness of himself, suffering the pain of losing someone again, the boy cried like insane.

 

      The sun went down, then spread the stars. After the moon fell, stars created a terrifying spray of beauty, just like an altar. Although in the dungeon no one could see it.

      Before he turned into the watcher, after he woke up from the nightmare, Eren could not stop himself from crying. He now understood what was sorrow, pure sorrow overwhelming all the logic, reason, morality, or anything. Even that wrench killing his father and marrying his mother could not reach him. No; that prince suffered the mock of destiny, the jeer of reason, and the tease of morality, so his sorrow was not pure. Eren had once felt the same emotion, when Hanes got eaten in front of him, when the last beam of life disappeared from those old eyes. He felt like being played by destiny at that time. But now, now it was different. Even that dusk fertilised the pureness of his sorrow now.

      How could it be possible…How could it be possible. Destiny wasn’t enjoying fooling with him. Destiny didn’t care about him. And in fact, destiny didn’t care about anybody. O these bunch of poor neighbours, names written on the misfortune’s black book. The goddess of destiny was no longer omnipotent. She was not hiding behind, laughing with her spindle, nor did she creat evil on purpose in order to add some fun. She had no power to handle them anymore, her yarn felling on the ground in a mess, where she couldn’t tell anyone to leave, nor protect them from becoming evil. Yet at the moment Eren could not thinking so much. He couldn’t. No way to think, no way to judge, only the huge tsunami overwhelming everything. How painful. How miserable. How sorrowful. Sorrow. Pure sorrow.

 

      Thus Mikasa and Armin could only wait when Eren held the bars of his cell and slowly fell down, giving broken crying and roars. Before he turned into the watcher, before the starry sky fell and the sun rose, Eren had once trembled in his cell. Through his tears Mikasa and Armin could not know the past or the future Eren had seen. Through his crying they could not tell the weight of sorrow pressing on Eren. What they could capture was a sentence, which Eren in his hoarse voice repeated and repeated again.

 

      “So…That’s you…So that’s you… Dina…”

 

 

 

 

END

 

 

[1] The sun in its own blood coagulated: Quoting from _Evening Harmony_ of Charles Baudelaire, English translation version, translated by Roy Campbell.

[2] They were born and died alone. Surrounded by stars, they were never away from home: Quoting from lyrics of _3Jane_ , Brazzaville. Small adjustments.

[3] Referring to _Oedipus the King_ , of course. Some of the plots are omitted for a neat narration.

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I doubt whether I am a true Eren fan or not, coz normal people won't write such a story as a birthday gift.  
> But since I've put all my heart in it, I guess I'm satisfied with this. Although Jäger family is too complex and vivid that I can't involve more karma (like adding Zeke into the relations) in a concise way... :((  
> I'll be soooo happy if you like this story! Thank you for reading!
> 
> I've been following SnK new chapters for only one year, and am in love with Eren from about the same time. Very possibly to keep this love until the mange finishes. Happy birthday to Eren. Hail to the advancer.


End file.
